can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
