He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
