Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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