everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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