I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Are my feet made of real feet?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
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