I wish I only lived at night.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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