I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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