remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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