my phone needs a breathalizer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
