Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
