Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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