at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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