The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
