if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
