Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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