a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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