We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
