There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
