I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
