apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Randomize
