I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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