Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
