i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
