They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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