I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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