She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
