I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
