I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
