i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
