he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
