yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
