woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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