On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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