i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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