Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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