woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
