Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
