All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
