I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Drake has all the answers
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
