He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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