Sry I called you an 8
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
