Define "chronic" masturbator.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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