You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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