I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
