Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
