My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
