Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
