Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We left the knife in your bed.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
