we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
