My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
