Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
