just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
