My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
