chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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