Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
