Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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