I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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