i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
