I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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