I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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