Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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