I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
